88 Lines about 44 X-Men

The first in a 44 part series...

88 Lines About 44 X-Men :

Professor X has psychic powers, has a wheelchair, formed the team.

Cyclops leads them into battle,blasts you with a red eye beam

Longshot is a lucky guy, he changes probability,

Rogue is just a southern girl who can steal your ability

Beast is a great scientist, who has big arms and bright blue fur

Wolverine's an animal, a fuzzy angry violent cur

Gambit blows up playing cards with strange kinetic energy

Emma Frost is now alright, but used to be an enemy.

Iceman likes to take the moisture from the air and make it freeze

Elixir is the token doc, he'll fix you up nice as you please

Nightcrawler's a strange blue guy, he teleports and has a tail.

Storm has weather control skills, she can make it rain or hail

Phoenix has some psychic powers and seemingly infinite lives

Psylocke also has has mind skills, she uses them to make cool knives

Cable has an origin that makes fanboys break down and cry

Maggot also joined the team, though I couldn't tell you why

Sabretooth hates Wolverine, and was an X-man for a while,

Dazzler was a pop star, has light power and 80's style

Forge can create anything that he can picture in his mind

Jubilee makes lots of sparks that shine real bright and make you blind

Xorn was Magneto's clone, or twin, or brother, we're not sure

Quicksilver can move so fast you think that he is just a blur

Shadowcat, or Kitty Pryde, can phase her way through any wall

But Juggernaut is much too strong, he just can't be stopped at all.

Uh uh, not Juggernaut

Bishop comes from the far future, has a little eye tattoo,

Mystique can look like anyone, although her skin is really blue

Banshee has a real loud scream, shatters glass and makes ears ring,

Archangel's a rich boy mutant, silver spoon and a big white wing.

Havok is Cyclops's brother, zaps things using plasma blasts

Rachel Summers comes from somewhere in the days of future past

Multi-man makes lots of dupes, can be two spots at one time

Dust can change into a cloud, and leave you covered in her grime

Penance has skin of sharp spikes, makes her quite the introvert,

Armor has a kind of shell, that makes her very hard to hurt

Chamber has some psychic powers, and a fire in his chest

Beak looks a lot like a bird, although he doesn't use a nest

Warlock is an alien, makes people think he's kinda nuts

X-23 has bladed feet that can give nicks and cuts

Strong Guy isn't complicated, he's just... strong

Cypher is the language guy, he could translate this whole song

Northstar is a speedy one, also known for being gay,

Rockslide can be spotted quick, he's made of stone and colored gray

Blink has really got it made, she just blinks from place to place

Now Colossus, take us home, because you've got a metal face.

88 lines about 44 X-men

Hodgman book signing

John Hodgman

John Hodgman and the GTGs

Reading from "More Information than you Require"

Further Hodgman

A PC and me.

Label the World

Oops. Wrong blog. Quick, go to Label the World if you haven't already.

On top of the world

This blog is now the top search term on Google for "Dreadful Rauw". This is not a major accomplishment, considering Dreadful Rauw is a very, very obscure literary reference, but still, at least on the internet, I'm more relevant than the deceased grandfather of a fictional manifestation of noise.

Unneeded Prequels

In honor of the CW producing "The Graysons", a television show about Dick Grayson before he became Robin, I'd like to go ahead and pitch a few unneeded prequels.

The Scottish Adventures : Follow the travels of MacBeth, loyal servant of King Duncan, and his wacky sidekick, Banquo

Those Wacky Dursleys: Watch as the Dursley family spoils their son, while abusing poor lonely Harry Potter

28 Days Before: ... wow, thank goodness there are no zombies about.

Lil' Hands Luke: Egg lovin' Luke wages a one man war against parking meters.

Road to the Yellow Brick Road: Dorothy Gale and her dog Toto sure do like rainbows.

Resident's Guide to the Galaxy: Arthur Dent lives in England, yay England!

Waiting for Godot: Vladimir and Estragon kill time and discuss the universe while waiting for a man who never comes.

Prince of Philly: Will Smith is born and raised in west Philadelphia, spends most of his days on the playground.

Merchant of Monte Cristo: Successful merchant Edmund Dantes loves his girlfriend Mercedes and his friend Fernand Mondego.

Peter Parker, Science Nerd: Thrill to the exploits of Peter Parker as he gets wedgies from Flash Thompson, but As on his papers!

Nazareth Nights: Will good Jewish girl Mary go all the way with her sexy boyfriend Joseph?

Reasons Superman is Better Than Jesus

Superman saves people from falling, villains, and natural disasters.

Superman died, came back, and then went right back to work.

Flying > walking on water.

Coal into diamonds > water to wine.

Superman has superhearing so you know he can hear your requests for help.

Superman will save you whether you worship him or not.

Superman refuses to be king of anything.

Jimmy Olsen is Superman's only follower.

Superman's parents were married.

Justice League vs. 12 apostles = No contest.

Lois Lane has a respectable job. Mary Magdalene... not so much.

You'd have to crucify Superman with kryptonite nails.

70 plus years of comic book continuity is still more consistent than the Bible.

Superman can hold a day job.

Superman inspired the Legion of Superheroes. Jesus inspired Bibleman and DC Talk.

Superman does not want you to eat him.

No one has to die for Superman to love us unconditionally.

So here's the story

A private group in Utah decides to place memorials for fallen state patrol members. It gets permission to use some public land. The memorials happen to be crosses. Atheists sue to have them removed. The case itself isn't of that much interest to me, but the judges ruling is.

.S. District Judge David Sam ruled Tuesday, Nov. 20, against the atheists, holding that the crosses erected around the state of Utah to commemorate fallen state troopers can stand. Sam's decision held that the Roman cross is not a recognizable form of Christianity, at least in this context. "Just as the Christmas tree evolved into a secular symbol of celebration, the cross has evolved into a symbol capable of communicating a secular message of death and burial," Sam wrote. The Texas-based American Atheists Inc., which claimed the memorials violate the separation of church and state, promised to appeal.

Consider that for a moment. In order to maintain the memorials, the argument was made that a cross is not a Christian symbol. If I were a Christian I'd be furious over this. In a battle to force something sacred past the government, people have actually managed to win an argument that strips it of its sacredness. The cross is no longer about Jesus and Redemption, but now about death and burial. In short

now equals

If I go in a church and see a cross, I can assume someone is buried behind that wall. If someone is wearing a cross around their neck, I can assume that they're just a little bit dead inside. And that one scene in The Exorcist is both less creepy and a little more creepy at the same time.

The separation between church and state is not solely to protect the state from the church, but also the other way around. The only way for a religion to maintain any sense of the sacred is to move it far away from the government. Mandatory religiousness of any kind only serves to harm the religion, because you can't force faith upon people. It becomes what the courts have referred to as "Ceremonial Deism". Religious phrases have no meaning in government because their repetition eliminates it. This is why we can say "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Because the court ruled that the phrase "Under God" has lost any religious meaning. We aren't under God anymore legally that we're the "home of the brave", "imperialist bastards" or "Western devils". The "under God" in the pledge officially has quote fingers around it.

Christmas is not a sacred celebration of Jesus's birth, but a time to spend with family, with Santa Claus taking precedence over the guy who's birthday it actually is. "Merry Christmas" is now a political statement rather than a sincere wish of goodwill. Is it really better now?

So now you're on track losing the cross, Christians, because you want to continue bringing the church to a state that has proven it can't keep anything sacred. Please turn back. That stupid fish symbol is hardly a substitute.

Coming soon to a concert hall near you...

Pop-Tarts Presents American Idols Live


Can you think of a more appropriate sponsor?

Little Things I Like Doing

When someone is sitting on the floor in the middle of the asile in a bookstore, just reading away, I like to stand by them and as quietly as possible let loose a fart. Then just step back and wait until I have the asile all to myself.

Guide to not wearing clothes.

Naked: wearing no clothes.
Nekkid: Wearing no clothes and up to something dirty.
Nude: Wearing no clothes and posing for an artist.

Nude, Nude, Nude: Wearing no clothes and accepting tips
In The Buff: Wearing no clothes and just posing for no good reason .

Undressed: Wearing no clothes and not up to anything naughty at all.

Naked as a Jaybird: Wearing no clothes and being under 4 years old.

In Your Birthday Suit: Wearing no clothes, and not being aware that someone can see you.

Bare Assed: Wearing no clothes and being painfully aware that people can see you

Letting it all hang out: Wearing no clothes when others wish you were.

Exposed: Wearing no clothes and being a celebrity.
Raw: Wearing no clothes and being photographed for a porn site.

Baring all: Wearing no clothes and being photographed for an amateur porn site

Buck Naked: Wearing no clothes south of the Mason-Dixon line

Stark Naked: Wearing no clothes in Great Brittan

Disrobed: Wearing no clothes in a pretentious romance novel

In all of your glory: Wearing no clothes and being impressed with yourself
With all that God gave you: Wearing no clothes and impressing others.

Au Naturel: Wearing no clothes and being disturbed that no one cares.

Without any clothes on: Wearing no clothes

Further conspiracy...

So Heath Ledger died yesterday. Heath Ledger had recently finished playing the iconic character of "The Joker".

DC comics also released their preview for April's releases yesterday. Among them was a reprint of a 2001 miniseries. Read the synopsis below.

"BATMAN: THE JOKER'S LAST LAUGH TP Written by Chuck Dixon & Scott Beatty. Art by Ron Randall, Marcos Martin, Walter McDaniel and others. Cover by Brian Bolland. The Joker, thinking he's dying, concocts a scheme to carry on his legacy by transforming his fellow villains into "jokerized" versions of themselves in this exciting volume collecting the 6-issue miniseries (2001)!"

DC announces the release of "Last Laugh" on the same day the actor playing the Joker is found unexpectedly dead? There can only be one explanation. Clearly DC comics murdered Heath Ledger to drive sales of their miniseries reprint. I would recommend bringing Poison Ivy in for questioning.

Conspiracy of the day

Microsoft Outlook has been co-opted by Fox news. My spell-check keeps on telling me Obama should be spelled Osama. Scandalous, I tell you.

Oh, and Ron Paul sucks.

Bunny Slope

I'm worried about where the youth of today are getting their porn. I know this seems silly, because kids shouldn't have porn, right? I mean, you don't buy an 11 year old a subscription to Playboy. But I'm starting to think that maybe you should keep one in the house.

Flashback to the early 90's, I was a young boy in search of information. Sure, I'd had 5-6th grade "sex ed" and been told by 50 something year old women what was "happening to my body", and I'd seen the terrifying cross sections of male and female genitalia, with the uterus and ovaries completely see through and looking like some sort of demonic goat. My parents were no help, because I was far too shy and ill informed to ask the questions that would have mattered, namely "How does one go about having sex?". To say to an ill informed child that you put the penis in the vagina is a little like telling one that in order to make a Long Island Iced tea, you mix white liquors and Coke. Sure, I knew the ingredients, but their nature and the dynamics of the combination were lost on me. My friends, despite having more confidence in their answers than me, also seemed ill informed. So I search the home for information. I imagine most boys do. And they find it. My parents being rather conservative, the pickings were slim. My neighbor gave mom her old Glamour, Redbook, and on the rarest of occasions, Cosmopolitan magazines. Those were usually good for some information, and the occasional sexy picture. Dad had the special erotic issue of American Photography stashed under some stuff in the cluttered corner of the den. This had the clearest pictures of naked women I had ever seen and was worth more than those classes in 5th grade by a long shot. Then, I discovered that the Playboy channel, which was always scrambled but you could occasionally see something, would magically unscramble itself for about five minutes before 3 o'clock every day. This is where I saw what sex could look like, and let me tell you books didn't do it justice. And so until I got to college and had internet access, I learned about sex through snuck porn, magazine articles, and eventually, God bless her, my friend down the street. I imagine the experience was similar for most people my age.

Now look at today. Most kids have internet in their home. Some have it in their room. So it's not like kids have to sneak into their father's drawer for a Playboy anymore. So what are they seeing? Let's face it, the internet is messed up. How do we explain to children the idea of "Beginner Porn"? Because in most homes, Dad's magazines and videos and Mom's novels probably have nothing near what can be found with a few clicks on the net. And no matter the arguments to be made about all porn being degrading to those involved, I think it is safe to say that some porn is more degrading than other porn. Dad's Playboys don't use the term "cum guzzling slut", but a google search yields 9110 hits, 30,200 without the quotes. Children use porn as education in many ways, and I'm not sure there's anything wrong with that. They certainly don't get solid information from schools, and even the most progressive parent usually can't provide sufficient visual aid. And I'm not opposed to more extreme kinds of porn. Hell, I like some of it. Porn is a great realm to explore fantasy. But it's certainly something I've had to grow into. I'm curious as to what impression our pre-teen boys are getting of sex these days when sex is divided up for them into categories of fetish.

I'm not saying I'm going to start a porn site that is marketed to 12 year olds. But someone with a better lawyer than me probably should.

Harry Potter and the Mysterious Closet

So apparently, in a stunning life-imitates-fanfic moment, Dumbledore is gay now. Let the uproar begin, I suppose, but personally, I'd like to take this moment to give a big "fuck you" to J.K. Rowling for taking the coward's way out. Dumbledore is not gay. I know, I read the books. And while I'm sure I could read them again and pore through the subtext, I have no desire to. It's not that I care one way or another about who Dumbledore wanted to stick his wand into (there, I've done the obligatory wand/penis joke), but I do care about Ms. Rowling trying to have it both ways on this issue. She had seven books. It's obvious by book 5 that no editor was even bothering trying to look at what she did, as is evidenced by the increasing self indulgent size of the books (Harry Potter and the Irritating Series of MacGuffins). She could have mentioned somewhere in the books that Dumbledore might have been gay. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything saying Dumbledore was gay, nor did I find any reason why it would be relevant to his character. To come out now and say he's gay is simply a cheap way to generate controversy without it actually impacting her pocketbook. But, continuing the trend of adding superfluous details to established characters, I'd like to provide the following shocking revelations.

Emperor Palpatine is a Mormon

Flash Gordon is a vegan

Scrooge McDuck is lactose intolerant

Peter Pan is Anti-Semitic

Electra is really a Skrull

Scooby Doo is a Necrophiliac

Papa Smurf has 60,000 dollars in credit card debt

Blue Beetle gave 2300 dollars to the Obama campaign.

Just an observation...

It strikes me as tragic that people refer to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as "Brangelina", and yet no one refers to William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman as "Willicity H. Muffman"

My Current Favorite Headline

Judge Tells Hung Black Jury To Continue Deliberations

You know, it's statements like this that make us white guys feel insecure...

First post

ok, so here I am starting a new blog, because I already have three I never use. Why do I do this? Hubris? Perhaps. A tendancy to start projects that will never be finished? Certainly. But mainly because through some odd quirk of programing, I can access google based applications from work.